another day

in many ways i was a perpetual novice, going around and around in circles and getting nowhere, and yet somehow, rather often, i would realize that i was in a position of great fortune. i knew that the way i got there, was due to hard work.  I worked really hard, always, determined to maintain the success that was always a part of who I was.  The castle that I had been assigned to was really nice.  It had spiritual significance and transcendental essence.  It was a quiet location, yet not isolated, and it was perched on a cliff with views for miles across the land, and it had a courtyard.

The courtyard was central to the monastery.  It housed the soul and offered peace.  Souls without bodies coexist and are whole, they are god because they become one.  A soul blends together with other souls as the essences are drawn together harmoniously, organically, and effortlessly.  This blending together is transcendental.  We are capable of combining our souls when they are within our bodies too, this is called temporal love.  The soul could be felt in the courtyard because interferences were kept away  by the surrounding four walls.  It was a great space to go to and listen really well to the wind.

I sat in the courtyard for six hours today. On a bench. It was cold. I had a coat on. I would have been perfectly comfortable if my back did not start hurting. My back discomfort was the only thing that was distracting me from the beautiful darkness I was observing with my third eye. I was happy and sad at the same time.  Happy because of everything that I had and sad for everything that was so hard for me to understand. I tried really hard to pretend that I understood what was going on.  Luckily, the boss was not telling me to go.  Every day I expected a text from him that would ask me to leave, but that text never came.  I must have been doing what was expected of me, so I continued to pray and be thankful for this wonderful job that was available for me.

meal plan

The meal plan in the castle was not fantastic neither terrible. I would never have imagined how much I would love a cheesy ravioli swimming in tomato sauce.  I saw it on the plate and wanted to eat it up, until upon closer examination, I realized an unpleasant smell.  I got closer and closer and the smell grew worse and worse, until it was simply pungent.  It was not cheese ravioli at all, but rather beef ravioli.  And not only beef ravioli, but the worst kind imaginable, the canned kind, with a white blubbery film around each puff, with some even stuck together.  They smelled like tin and plastic.  How could I eat this, I was instantly repulsed.  I turned away and didn't eat that soup of a mess. There were always apples and walnuts in the library.  I could always eat that.

meditation

i was assigned to meditate everyday and to report my progress. the results were very gradual yet the glimpses of nothing were so beautiful that i kept trying.

my last session i saw a sear through the blank image of my third eye. and the clarity was uplifting, there was sensational freedom. i don't know what would happen if i could dwell there a bit longer, because i have not been able to dwell there long enough to find out.  all i can say is that the visuals are clearer than any high definition that i have ever seen, the color sharp and the sound flawless.  There is no fatigue, nor sadness, and lots of confidence. it feels nice, i wonder what it is.

pushing god away

   

The more i try to push god away the more i desire to understand life's mysteries. there are times when i am in the castle for days without seeing another person. I entertain myself, with writing, gardening, cooking, reading, painting, meditation, and sleeping, and there is the dog.  Today i wanted to wear a tie, and I had an internal dialogue.  I asked myself, why would I wear a tie when no one will see me..., if there is a god, god will see me. I did wear the tie, to thank god for all the riches that god offered me.  After I wore the tie I painted this picture of boats to show god my further thanks.

no job description

 

Every time there was a social gathering of the local kind I felt that chit chat was useless.  I preferred the loving glow of a gentle silence.  I enjoyed the work at the castle because it was meditative.  I could wash the windows, and see trees, sky, clouds, lakes and bridges.  It was interesting because there was no job description, and I was in a constant state of questions.  I was given tasks and I was paid with shelter and basic necessities.  I was compensated very well, so i didn't mind the mystery of my position, and neither did I purposely use my benefits just because they were there.  I only used the car and driver to get to the airport if I were traveling, and even then many times I would walk.

One of the assignments given to me were to socialize.  Boss sent me to a wedding.  It was an odd social exercise.  In church no one spoke and then at the reception there were speeches, and loud music.  When anyone spoke to me I couldn't hear a thing because the music was too loud.

It was lucky how I got my job.  I was at an odd place at a strange time.  There was a line of young men going into a side entrance of a building.  I wasnt sure why and I just went into the building with them and started lifting boxes onto shelves.  I had nothing else to do so it seemed nice to get a glimpse of what it would be like to have a job. I never had a job before.  No one noticed or spoke to me.  I followed everybody to a valet area.  Each of us were assigned a driver and driven to their "castle", and dropped off at the main gate with a texting device.  I had been so lost up until this morning, that I welcomed the direction from the driver and the shelter of the castle.

The place was not creepy at all.  I just went in and saw a broom so I started sweeping because I didn't know what else to do.  The common denominator for this job, that I understood looking back, was that there was no description and the entire job had to be figured out in increments.

the beggar

I go out, infrequently.  Today,  I was instructed to go have coffee in the valley.  I was at the table in reverie and a man with newspapers appeared over my right shoulder and asked for money.  My eyes locked with his and I let out an unfriendly, " NO."  My body felt calm yet my brain began to churn out thoughts.

Impulsively, I felt certain about saying no, but it was the tone that frustrated me.  I looked up and there was this large beggar standing over me.  My calm that I was so proud of had failed me, and my anger surprised me. My boss' text read, "Did you give?"  I responded, "no." His reply read, "Pass."  I walked to the castle, trying to clear my mind.  I thought of nothing

Draw, draw, draw

I sat to to draw. I followed an unknown will. It felt so useless but it was all I could do. I was afraid that by the end of my stay at the castle, I would not have accomplished or recorded anything magnificent at all, but rather a doodle.  I yearned for a connection with divinity.  My quest consumed me.  My constant disappointment eroded my patience little by little.